His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
