the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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