Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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