Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
