i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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