# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
