arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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