shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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