I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
