Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
