Midget sex pt 2 tonight
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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