If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
