question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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