Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
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