My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
