allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Randomize
