He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
