did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
