my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
