Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
