I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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