we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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