I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
