Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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