I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
third nipple confirmed
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize