How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Dear god my vagina.
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