There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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