Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
