I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
