Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
