I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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