I accidentally had phone sex last night
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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