Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
