i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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