If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
