Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize