I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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