i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
