I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
