Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
