nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
