Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
