sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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