you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
