I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Randomize