I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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