You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
