i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
