There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize