for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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