She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
