so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I lost the right to judge tonight
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
