He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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