It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
