i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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