he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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