can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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